What We Learned From Formula 1 Pre Season Testing

The Formula One off season is a lonely and desolate time for the F1 media, and as such you tend to see speculation passed off as fact, opinion pieces that are merely filler in a bid to justify being paid in the winter, driving good men and women to insanity by the time winter testing comes around.

This also means that we get more out of control than Charlie Sheehan in Mexico while analysing what the results of testing could tell us about the upcoming season. The truth is that the top teams who have the budget to make significant advances will always keep their cards pretty close to their chest, with rival teams having plenty of time to copy legitimate advances by the time they get to Melbourne. This means we only get to see the real stuff during the first two practice sessions at Melbourne, which for all intents and purposes are testing. The F1 season is not considered to have commenced until Saturday practice, I believe.

So, forget all the bullshit you have been reading and the speculations you have been debating with the elitist zealots online, I’ve got the real scoop on what we learned below, as I present to you ’10 Things This Dickhead Learned From F1 Pre Season Testing:’

 

  1. Pascal Werleihn stole Mia Khalifa’s eyebrows

pascal eyebrowsmia khalifa

 

They could be the same person. I mean, have you ever seen them in the same room? Didn’t think so. One wears a helmet, the other polishes one, so there’s that too.

 

In a bid to bring sexy back to Formula One, Ferrari attached a clitoris to the nose of the SF16-H. When that didn’t get results, they gave Kimi Raikonnen’s head a g-string.

There have been lots of rumblings over the past few years that F1 cars are no longer sexy, they have lost that appeal due to heavy handed and restrictive rules, and so if there were any car manufacture that knows about sex appeal, it would be Ferrari. God bless those guys for trying.

ferrari clitoris

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In a bid to make F1 cars more applicable to the real world, teams have prepared their cars for the zombie apocalypse.

Lets face it, the zombies have already started coming. Keith Richards died 43 years ago. Hillary Clinton is being puppeteer’d about like it’s Weekend at Bernies 4. The last time a doctor found a pulse in Bernie Ecclestone was during the great depression.

F1 has responded to these criticisms by making a Formula One car the vehicle of choice during the final zombie assault.

Zombie guts in your radiators could spell the end of your escape, so F1 engineers have devised a complex array of  grates which help masticate zombie flesh into easiy digestible pieces for F1 machinery. As zombies are cold blooded, this also helps in cooling down the power unit as you flee, or, as you tackle the zombies head on to save your people.

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The zombie guts travels nicely over the sidepods thanks to clever implementation of the Coanda effect.

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Sharpened leading edges and razor vertical strakes allow the easy dismantling of bone and cartilage, ready to pass under the skin and out over the rear wing, creating traction on the bloodied surface.

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Renault realised that perhaps their engine last year really was that shit.

A lot of people, well, really the English did what they do best and whinged about other people’s whinging, even if it had merit. Everyone jumped on Red Bull for saying the Renault engine was a piece of shit, and that their performance was down to chassis.

Renault decided not to take advantage of all the funding Red Bull committed to helping the engine last a few Grands Prix and actually be competitive, stating that they had reviewed the work of Mario Illien and decided that it wasn’t relevant to them and they would go on with their own plan. In fact, they would commence their own factory team again. Until they realised that their engine really was a piece of shit, the people they hired were inadequate, and they promptly hired Mario Illien to implement the changes that Red Bull had already asked and paid for a year earlier. So Red Bull pay 20 million dollars for a piece of shit engine which had problems that they tried to rectify a year earlier. Now let’s be honest, do you even know anybody who owns a Renault? Nope, me neither, maybe outside advice is exactly what they need.

Waste gates do fuck all to improve the noise, mainly because there isn’t much waste due to MGU’s

The talk was that the noise of F1 now sucks. That is correct, but the solution of having isolated venting for the waste gate was never going to work as the ‘waste’ is generally used to charge the motor generation unit attached to the compressor shaft, or so some smart dude on the internet said. It’s a great theory when venting your blow off valve to atmosphere in your fully sick Skyline, but technology has come a long way since then.

Teams can place two outlets in a Mickey Mouse configuration, a Minny Mouse config (that whore is usually on her back) or go the snowman option, nothing has improved the noise. I have an idea! Maybe more revs?

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The Minnie Mouse

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The Snowman

….nobody has gone the Mickey route yet. Smart move not to associate yourself with that little Hitler.

Mickey

 

James Key Will Probably Succeed Adrian Newey at Red Bull

With a limited budget at Toro Rosso, an engine that is a year old and wasn’t decided upon until well into overtime, and a car that didn’t even have time to be painted in a livery James key has designed a very clever little piece of machinery.

Its sidepods have been pinched up like a hot chick with dimples, making it one of the slimmest in the paddock.

max verstappen

They have also made the slots in the rear wing end plate unsealed, which could be another progressive step for the zombie apocalypse. They have also applied that same principle to the slots in front of the rear wheel. Regulations insist that no holes in the floor are allowed, however with the slots being open ended, they are no longer technically holes. This helps deal with tyre squirt and sealing the air flow under the floor, so I’m told.

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F1 journos are in a mad scramble for content now that Hemlut and Christian are no longer bagging Renault.

As detailed in the opening paragraph, the Formula One off season is a very trying time for F1 journos, as it means they actually have to investigate shit if they are to have a legitimate story, instead of just rocking up to an F1 race and listening to the old boys bicker and gossip like it’s Nan’s knitting circle. This has lead us to such amazing revelation such as Christian Bale doesn’t do somethingFormula One drivers aren’t high while they’re driving as well as Joe Saward trading bitching about airports to bitching about Vijay Mallya. Which only intensified after declaring he was bored with it.

Manor really really really want Pepsi as a sponsor.

I remember when I was young and I watched Days of Thunder. The next day I painted my billy cart in a half retarded rendition of the Mello Yello livery. This seems to be the same strategy that Manor have taken, after failing to land a major sponsor. Air BnB has disappeared from their livery, and instead they painted their MRT05 like a big can of Pepsi Max, allowing for a black background to make the ‘Shazam’ logo on the rear wing. Funnily enough I Shazam’d the Manor car going past in practice and it came up as Nickelback.

manor_mrto5pepsi-max

In their eternal quest to save weight, Red Bull asked Daniel Ricciardo to lose 5 kilograms, and did away with traditional fixings by sticky taping their car together.

As we all know, Formula 1 drivers are fat cunts driving around in big V8 engines with way too much torque. Oh shit, no no, that’s NASCAR. Well, regardless, Red Bull have asked that porker Daniel Ricciardo to lose five kilograms for the team.

dan tree

This is Dan Ricciardo hiding behind a tree

In return the team did away with nuts and bolts and rivets, pretty much all traditional fixings and reverted to the tried and tested sticky tape.

RB tape

And that’s it. Nothing else was learned over the winter.

Stay tuned to our website and social media pages, as I have a special tribute to Sir Jack Brabham that will be posted here during the Australian Formula One Grand Prix.

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Posted on March 15, 2016, in F1, WITDH and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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